All the Feelings

Now that I've codified my update, I guess I can write the post I originally meant to.

I'm at an odd emotional spot with my body at the moment. I have lost a substantial amount of weight, and am lower than I have been in years. I am wearing the smallest clothes I own, and have a couple pieces of "straight sized" clothing in my closet that I have recently purchased as aspirational pieces. I feel confident that I will be wearing them next year, which would feel cocky, if it weren't for some of the changes I have noticed.

I ate "whatever I wanted" over Thanksgiving, and it ended up being, on average, maintenance. I can stop eating something in the middle, recognize my satiety signals, and in general feel in control of my intake 29 days out of 30, and on the other day, well, it's hormonal and I roll with it, but not too badly.

I am feeling a little worn out, and hard on myself for not doing "more, faster, harder" and am acutely aware of how far I have left to go. I could conceivably lost another 100# and still be a healthy weight, and my first goal is still about 50# away. My gut reaction is to discount the work already put in, and to instead focus on how much work I have to do.

Half a lifetime ago I was complaining that after losing weight I seemed to just be more critical of myself, and was told that I could stand to look at myself in the mirror longer, and that I was so used to finding the negatives, that the trend was continuing. In my more rational moments, I recognize that I'm still doing that, and am putting a lot of effort into new thought patterns. At my lows though, it's all self deprecation, all the time.

Because I am exploring my professional style again I'm less secure there, and I seem to have picked up shopping as a hobby. This is not good for my budget, for my eco-consciousness, or for my ego, to be honest. So, for today, instead of searching for the umpteenth pair of dark wash trouser jeans in a size one smaller than I am currently wearing, I will write.

Pensively,
~Kith

Same song, second verse?

Odd, my impulse to blog and my historic posts coincided! I was expecting the slate to be wiped clean again.

Interesting to read the phrases of my past self talking about consistency, change, and health. As 2016 progressed I kept on top of my activity and food, until mid June, when I took a lovely weekend trip, then got into the habit of trying new places, and in particular new restaurants, and then the summer bled away in a haze of new and exciting menus, dishes, and time with my lovely spouse. 

All this newness, and a mindset of "try it now, before the menu changes with the season" coupled with intense interpersonal work dynamics led to weight gain. In fact. I was 296# at a subspecialist appt in early 2017, and after a pretty extensive work up, was told that nothing was wrong, but that if I didn't lose weight I was headed toward irreversible consequences.

So, I grieved, I bargained, I tried to "fix it" with a whole30, or going vegan, or something hard, that I could do for a time, then forget. The spouse kept me away from that rabbit hole though, and instead, just like I wrote in 2016, I logged what I ate. In fact, for about a month all I did was log, without restricting, or counting macros, or attending to the total. 

It was after a month, and the partial decoupling of the emotional response to the total, that I set my limits, which was eating at a caloric level that would eventually put me under 200#, without exercise. I have a streak on MFP of 276 days as of today, and have lost between 45 and 48#.

I've been a little harder on myself in the last month, and haven't charted a loss in that time, but, with a household injury, a long family visit and the holidays, I haven't really gained weight, and the numbers suggest that I'm eating between a small deficit and maintenance, which will mean that I will start 2018 lighter than I stated 2017, and this will be the first time in a decade that I have flipped my trend line from gaining to losing.