All the Feelings

Now that I've codified my update, I guess I can write the post I originally meant to.

I'm at an odd emotional spot with my body at the moment. I have lost a substantial amount of weight, and am lower than I have been in years. I am wearing the smallest clothes I own, and have a couple pieces of "straight sized" clothing in my closet that I have recently purchased as aspirational pieces. I feel confident that I will be wearing them next year, which would feel cocky, if it weren't for some of the changes I have noticed.

I ate "whatever I wanted" over Thanksgiving, and it ended up being, on average, maintenance. I can stop eating something in the middle, recognize my satiety signals, and in general feel in control of my intake 29 days out of 30, and on the other day, well, it's hormonal and I roll with it, but not too badly.

I am feeling a little worn out, and hard on myself for not doing "more, faster, harder" and am acutely aware of how far I have left to go. I could conceivably lost another 100# and still be a healthy weight, and my first goal is still about 50# away. My gut reaction is to discount the work already put in, and to instead focus on how much work I have to do.

Half a lifetime ago I was complaining that after losing weight I seemed to just be more critical of myself, and was told that I could stand to look at myself in the mirror longer, and that I was so used to finding the negatives, that the trend was continuing. In my more rational moments, I recognize that I'm still doing that, and am putting a lot of effort into new thought patterns. At my lows though, it's all self deprecation, all the time.

Because I am exploring my professional style again I'm less secure there, and I seem to have picked up shopping as a hobby. This is not good for my budget, for my eco-consciousness, or for my ego, to be honest. So, for today, instead of searching for the umpteenth pair of dark wash trouser jeans in a size one smaller than I am currently wearing, I will write.

Pensively,
~Kith