Well, I'm at it again, working on increasing my health and athletic capability while decreasing my mass. I'm determined that this will, in fact, be the last "first time" I restart, and so, need to lay out how I got here.
At the beginning of March I weighed 291#, and had a BMI of 42.97. This is my personal record, and the result of both a very difficult time at my former job and my personal cognitive distortion related to food. In short, I have a pattern of not wanting to think about food, which encompasses planning, preparation, and awareness. It's too easy to eat unknowingly, especially when it's late, and you're tired, and I fell prey to a very bad habit of just grabbing things, and, to be very honest, eating too much.
The habit is not a new one, I can look at weights tracked back to college. I hit 230# while trying to control my GI symptoms with "small frequent meals" that turned into "full frequent meals." My response to that, and a light courseload, was to hurl myself into exercise bulimia, doing Tae Bo in the morning, pilates at lunch, weights in the evening and a walk at night. It worked, and I dropped weight, and even made it to a "normal" BMI for a brief window, while at the same time running 3 miles 5 days a week and going to graduate school.
The running didn't stick once I met the man I would eventually marry, and in th eglow of new love, we ate out, and it didn't matter, because I was in love, and too busy for activity that he didn't want to share. Moving 2 hours away didn't help, and the excuses began. My asthma was worse. I didn't like the park close to my apartment. I couldn't do indoor activities because I lived on the second floor. I didn't have time. All in all, in the 11 years I have known him, I have gained a net total of 115#. So, about 10 pounds a year.
It has been a decade of great change, school, training, cross country moves, new jobs, house building, and yes, weight loss. I have data intermittently, while tracking, that show losses every 1-2 years of 30-40 pounds, never maintained. As I look back I can remember the names of the tools I used for each of them: South Beach, P.I.N.K. fitness, myfitfoods, LEAP elimination, Whole30...
Clearly, nothing stuck, and it left me in a place that may be worse than I started. I have been trying to find food that is "safe" that does not exacerbate my IBS or migraines, and with the magical thinking that if I just find this magical and correct way of eating, I will lose weight and do more.
That is clearly a load of bullshit, and I know better.
I am obese because I have not been paying attention to what I put in my mouth. For all the reasons: guilt, shame, laziness, fear, health halo...it doesn't matter. Food is delicious, and I put it in my mouth until I can't do that thing anymore.
So, henceforth, I am focusing on paying attention. Right now I am logging food, regardless of the total, to resume the habit of doing so, and of paying attention to intake without shame. Eventually this will transition into a calorie limit and goals, but for now, just logging, accurately, faithfully, regularly.
I am increasing my activity, for my healthy and ability, and am wearing a little gadget to motivate myself with that. Cardio and weights at the gym, working out 5 days every week, and forming that habit as well.
I know this is not going to be the quick response I have had as recently as this time last year, when I "lost weight like a dude" and dropped 40 pounds in a month, but I am in a better job, with lower stress, and this time, I need it to be for life.
~Kith
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