Now that I've codified my update, I guess I can write the post I originally meant to.
I'm at an odd emotional spot with my body at the moment. I have lost a substantial amount of weight, and am lower than I have been in years. I am wearing the smallest clothes I own, and have a couple pieces of "straight sized" clothing in my closet that I have recently purchased as aspirational pieces. I feel confident that I will be wearing them next year, which would feel cocky, if it weren't for some of the changes I have noticed.
I ate "whatever I wanted" over Thanksgiving, and it ended up being, on average, maintenance. I can stop eating something in the middle, recognize my satiety signals, and in general feel in control of my intake 29 days out of 30, and on the other day, well, it's hormonal and I roll with it, but not too badly.
I am feeling a little worn out, and hard on myself for not doing "more, faster, harder" and am acutely aware of how far I have left to go. I could conceivably lost another 100# and still be a healthy weight, and my first goal is still about 50# away. My gut reaction is to discount the work already put in, and to instead focus on how much work I have to do.
Half a lifetime ago I was complaining that after losing weight I seemed to just be more critical of myself, and was told that I could stand to look at myself in the mirror longer, and that I was so used to finding the negatives, that the trend was continuing. In my more rational moments, I recognize that I'm still doing that, and am putting a lot of effort into new thought patterns. At my lows though, it's all self deprecation, all the time.
Because I am exploring my professional style again I'm less secure there, and I seem to have picked up shopping as a hobby. This is not good for my budget, for my eco-consciousness, or for my ego, to be honest. So, for today, instead of searching for the umpteenth pair of dark wash trouser jeans in a size one smaller than I am currently wearing, I will write.
Pensively,
~Kith
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Same song, second verse?
Odd, my impulse to blog and my historic posts coincided! I was expecting the slate to be wiped clean again.
Interesting to read the phrases of my past self talking about consistency, change, and health. As 2016 progressed I kept on top of my activity and food, until mid June, when I took a lovely weekend trip, then got into the habit of trying new places, and in particular new restaurants, and then the summer bled away in a haze of new and exciting menus, dishes, and time with my lovely spouse.
All this newness, and a mindset of "try it now, before the menu changes with the season" coupled with intense interpersonal work dynamics led to weight gain. In fact. I was 296# at a subspecialist appt in early 2017, and after a pretty extensive work up, was told that nothing was wrong, but that if I didn't lose weight I was headed toward irreversible consequences.
So, I grieved, I bargained, I tried to "fix it" with a whole30, or going vegan, or something hard, that I could do for a time, then forget. The spouse kept me away from that rabbit hole though, and instead, just like I wrote in 2016, I logged what I ate. In fact, for about a month all I did was log, without restricting, or counting macros, or attending to the total.
It was after a month, and the partial decoupling of the emotional response to the total, that I set my limits, which was eating at a caloric level that would eventually put me under 200#, without exercise. I have a streak on MFP of 276 days as of today, and have lost between 45 and 48#.
I've been a little harder on myself in the last month, and haven't charted a loss in that time, but, with a household injury, a long family visit and the holidays, I haven't really gained weight, and the numbers suggest that I'm eating between a small deficit and maintenance, which will mean that I will start 2018 lighter than I stated 2017, and this will be the first time in a decade that I have flipped my trend line from gaining to losing.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Weekly Work Out Summary 4/8/16
So, life happened, as it tends to, and not all goals were, met, but perseverance is key, right?
Friday 4/1: Had dinner plans with friends and knew gym was off the schedule, so took a walk behind the building for 30 minutes, couple inclines, total of 5168 steps for the day
Saturday: Busy day with birthday party, cocktail party and other social nonsense. No formal workout, 3121 total steps
Sunday: Migraine caused very lazy day, attempted to go to the park close to us, failed due to parking issues, so went grocery shopping instead. Built composter and walked a paltry 2572 steps
Monday: Normal day at work, 30 min on the treadmill at 3pm, arm day, 6185 steps
Tuesday: friend in crisis visited, no formal work out. 4015 steps
Wednesday: got off work early, couldn't walk in park because of friend visit lasting until dark, gym, 35 min on treadmill at 3pm, arm day with 15x3 on everything, even the "up at an angle" machine! 6441 steps
Thursday: Got off early, stuck in traffic for an hour, wanted to ragequit everything! Went to park instead, which calmed me down, and had hills! 9670 steps, 1:05 time, walked 3.13 miles, average HR 124, pace/mile of 20:30
Have plans to make it to the gym tonight, then take tomorrow off and do our walking at the beach.
~Kith
Friday 4/1: Had dinner plans with friends and knew gym was off the schedule, so took a walk behind the building for 30 minutes, couple inclines, total of 5168 steps for the day
Saturday: Busy day with birthday party, cocktail party and other social nonsense. No formal workout, 3121 total steps
Sunday: Migraine caused very lazy day, attempted to go to the park close to us, failed due to parking issues, so went grocery shopping instead. Built composter and walked a paltry 2572 steps
Monday: Normal day at work, 30 min on the treadmill at 3pm, arm day, 6185 steps
Tuesday: friend in crisis visited, no formal work out. 4015 steps
Wednesday: got off work early, couldn't walk in park because of friend visit lasting until dark, gym, 35 min on treadmill at 3pm, arm day with 15x3 on everything, even the "up at an angle" machine! 6441 steps
Thursday: Got off early, stuck in traffic for an hour, wanted to ragequit everything! Went to park instead, which calmed me down, and had hills! 9670 steps, 1:05 time, walked 3.13 miles, average HR 124, pace/mile of 20:30
Have plans to make it to the gym tonight, then take tomorrow off and do our walking at the beach.
~Kith
Thursday, April 7, 2016
How I'm Getting Started
So, as a start I tried to condense my fat-chick history and dieting attempts, and can further condense into: "Food tastes good and I don't like to get sweaty." As I'm trying to change my mindset of futility, I have a multi-pronged approach:
1. Log food. Log all the food, and be honest with yourself about nutrition. Just because you find an entree in myfitnesspal with a ludicrously low count doesn't mean you can use it. Working on being accurate with estimates, and honest in my daily accounting of what I eat, is going to be important for the future. Working on staying at or below maintenance for present weight, which is a generous 2580 kcal per day. Learning the habit f logging, and f paying attention to nonhunger cues, and having a record of food I can refer to with bowel flares is of the good. Once I get the habit down I will start looking at a reasonable deficit to run, probably starting at 1800-2000kcal most days, and maintenance on "holidays." Plan is to readjust as my mass changes, and things work/don't work
2. Move more. Lots of evidence that it's good for heart, and flexibility, and the random pains I began to have in my back, and legs, and my chronic headaches. So, in March we hit the gym for 18 days in a row, then had a much loved family member visit, and have been going 3-6 times a week since Goal is movement on at least 5 days each week, with my goal of being able to enjoy hikes to pretty waterfalls better. Currently doing cardio on treadmill and alternating arm day with leg day, not tracking weight progress, but have a plan to do so in future. Also, have signed up for a 10k in 6 months
3. Cognitive restructuring. This is the way I am choosing to live my life. I'm not being forced to do it, and it's already having benefits (RHR is down 10 points since last month). I am worth taking care of, both emotionally, and my meat sack. I have and can make the time, and choose to. I also have permission to choose not to, but that's a daily decision, not a "well, not going to the gym this week and just gonna eat cheese fries and chocolate."
To health, in all ways.
~Kith
1. Log food. Log all the food, and be honest with yourself about nutrition. Just because you find an entree in myfitnesspal with a ludicrously low count doesn't mean you can use it. Working on being accurate with estimates, and honest in my daily accounting of what I eat, is going to be important for the future. Working on staying at or below maintenance for present weight, which is a generous 2580 kcal per day. Learning the habit f logging, and f paying attention to nonhunger cues, and having a record of food I can refer to with bowel flares is of the good. Once I get the habit down I will start looking at a reasonable deficit to run, probably starting at 1800-2000kcal most days, and maintenance on "holidays." Plan is to readjust as my mass changes, and things work/don't work
2. Move more. Lots of evidence that it's good for heart, and flexibility, and the random pains I began to have in my back, and legs, and my chronic headaches. So, in March we hit the gym for 18 days in a row, then had a much loved family member visit, and have been going 3-6 times a week since Goal is movement on at least 5 days each week, with my goal of being able to enjoy hikes to pretty waterfalls better. Currently doing cardio on treadmill and alternating arm day with leg day, not tracking weight progress, but have a plan to do so in future. Also, have signed up for a 10k in 6 months
3. Cognitive restructuring. This is the way I am choosing to live my life. I'm not being forced to do it, and it's already having benefits (RHR is down 10 points since last month). I am worth taking care of, both emotionally, and my meat sack. I have and can make the time, and choose to. I also have permission to choose not to, but that's a daily decision, not a "well, not going to the gym this week and just gonna eat cheese fries and chocolate."
To health, in all ways.
~Kith
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
A Description of Where I've been
Well, I'm at it again, working on increasing my health and athletic capability while decreasing my mass. I'm determined that this will, in fact, be the last "first time" I restart, and so, need to lay out how I got here.
At the beginning of March I weighed 291#, and had a BMI of 42.97. This is my personal record, and the result of both a very difficult time at my former job and my personal cognitive distortion related to food. In short, I have a pattern of not wanting to think about food, which encompasses planning, preparation, and awareness. It's too easy to eat unknowingly, especially when it's late, and you're tired, and I fell prey to a very bad habit of just grabbing things, and, to be very honest, eating too much.
The habit is not a new one, I can look at weights tracked back to college. I hit 230# while trying to control my GI symptoms with "small frequent meals" that turned into "full frequent meals." My response to that, and a light courseload, was to hurl myself into exercise bulimia, doing Tae Bo in the morning, pilates at lunch, weights in the evening and a walk at night. It worked, and I dropped weight, and even made it to a "normal" BMI for a brief window, while at the same time running 3 miles 5 days a week and going to graduate school.
The running didn't stick once I met the man I would eventually marry, and in th eglow of new love, we ate out, and it didn't matter, because I was in love, and too busy for activity that he didn't want to share. Moving 2 hours away didn't help, and the excuses began. My asthma was worse. I didn't like the park close to my apartment. I couldn't do indoor activities because I lived on the second floor. I didn't have time. All in all, in the 11 years I have known him, I have gained a net total of 115#. So, about 10 pounds a year.
It has been a decade of great change, school, training, cross country moves, new jobs, house building, and yes, weight loss. I have data intermittently, while tracking, that show losses every 1-2 years of 30-40 pounds, never maintained. As I look back I can remember the names of the tools I used for each of them: South Beach, P.I.N.K. fitness, myfitfoods, LEAP elimination, Whole30...
Clearly, nothing stuck, and it left me in a place that may be worse than I started. I have been trying to find food that is "safe" that does not exacerbate my IBS or migraines, and with the magical thinking that if I just find this magical and correct way of eating, I will lose weight and do more.
That is clearly a load of bullshit, and I know better.
I am obese because I have not been paying attention to what I put in my mouth. For all the reasons: guilt, shame, laziness, fear, health halo...it doesn't matter. Food is delicious, and I put it in my mouth until I can't do that thing anymore.
So, henceforth, I am focusing on paying attention. Right now I am logging food, regardless of the total, to resume the habit of doing so, and of paying attention to intake without shame. Eventually this will transition into a calorie limit and goals, but for now, just logging, accurately, faithfully, regularly.
I am increasing my activity, for my healthy and ability, and am wearing a little gadget to motivate myself with that. Cardio and weights at the gym, working out 5 days every week, and forming that habit as well.
I know this is not going to be the quick response I have had as recently as this time last year, when I "lost weight like a dude" and dropped 40 pounds in a month, but I am in a better job, with lower stress, and this time, I need it to be for life.
~Kith
At the beginning of March I weighed 291#, and had a BMI of 42.97. This is my personal record, and the result of both a very difficult time at my former job and my personal cognitive distortion related to food. In short, I have a pattern of not wanting to think about food, which encompasses planning, preparation, and awareness. It's too easy to eat unknowingly, especially when it's late, and you're tired, and I fell prey to a very bad habit of just grabbing things, and, to be very honest, eating too much.
The habit is not a new one, I can look at weights tracked back to college. I hit 230# while trying to control my GI symptoms with "small frequent meals" that turned into "full frequent meals." My response to that, and a light courseload, was to hurl myself into exercise bulimia, doing Tae Bo in the morning, pilates at lunch, weights in the evening and a walk at night. It worked, and I dropped weight, and even made it to a "normal" BMI for a brief window, while at the same time running 3 miles 5 days a week and going to graduate school.
The running didn't stick once I met the man I would eventually marry, and in th eglow of new love, we ate out, and it didn't matter, because I was in love, and too busy for activity that he didn't want to share. Moving 2 hours away didn't help, and the excuses began. My asthma was worse. I didn't like the park close to my apartment. I couldn't do indoor activities because I lived on the second floor. I didn't have time. All in all, in the 11 years I have known him, I have gained a net total of 115#. So, about 10 pounds a year.
It has been a decade of great change, school, training, cross country moves, new jobs, house building, and yes, weight loss. I have data intermittently, while tracking, that show losses every 1-2 years of 30-40 pounds, never maintained. As I look back I can remember the names of the tools I used for each of them: South Beach, P.I.N.K. fitness, myfitfoods, LEAP elimination, Whole30...
Clearly, nothing stuck, and it left me in a place that may be worse than I started. I have been trying to find food that is "safe" that does not exacerbate my IBS or migraines, and with the magical thinking that if I just find this magical and correct way of eating, I will lose weight and do more.
That is clearly a load of bullshit, and I know better.
I am obese because I have not been paying attention to what I put in my mouth. For all the reasons: guilt, shame, laziness, fear, health halo...it doesn't matter. Food is delicious, and I put it in my mouth until I can't do that thing anymore.
So, henceforth, I am focusing on paying attention. Right now I am logging food, regardless of the total, to resume the habit of doing so, and of paying attention to intake without shame. Eventually this will transition into a calorie limit and goals, but for now, just logging, accurately, faithfully, regularly.
I am increasing my activity, for my healthy and ability, and am wearing a little gadget to motivate myself with that. Cardio and weights at the gym, working out 5 days every week, and forming that habit as well.
I know this is not going to be the quick response I have had as recently as this time last year, when I "lost weight like a dude" and dropped 40 pounds in a month, but I am in a better job, with lower stress, and this time, I need it to be for life.
~Kith
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